“Husbands, you are not losing your wife right now,” says a middle-aged man in a windbreaker, filming in the front seat of his car. “She is literally losing herself and you’ve got to understand why.”
And so, for one minute and 13 seconds, this TikToker whose handle is “Husbands4Menopause” proceeds to explain—with impressive detail and commendable sensitivity—the toll that this hormonal transition can take. “Menopause is not just the loss of estrogen, it’s the loss of identity,” he says in a video that’s been viewed two million times. “It’s not you. It’s just what’s happening in your body.”
This is one particularly viral example in a growing canon of “men talking to other men about menopause” videos flourishing across the internet. Some are very sincere while others lighten things with humour. In one TikTok with 1.6 million views, an Australian man offers “perimenopause survival tips for the blokes,” learned from his personal experience with his wife. “Before you ask your partner a question, ask yourself the question 17 times in your own head,” he says, deadpan. “Just to make sure it’s worth risking your own life over… silence will become your new safe place.”
On one hand, well-meaning men trying to educate each other about a topic that’s still shrouded in taboo can only be a good thing. But on the other, in a world where so much of the female experience is mediated through the male gaze and mansplained back to us, we thought we could do one better.
We’ve given a group of perimenopausal or menopausal women (some of whom happen to be experts in the field) the floor to tell men what women would like them to know about this major life transition, how it could impact their relationships and—perhaps most valuable of all—how to actually be supportive. (Spoiler: it doesn’t involve making Archie Bunker-style jokes on TikTok at her expense.)
Here’s what they had to say, unfiltered and with no tender masculine feelings spared.
Symptoms to look out for
If you thought the man flu was apocalyptically incapacitating, spare a thought for women, whose perimenopause and menopause symptoms encompass the ridiculous (itchy ears!), the annoying (frozen shoulder!) and the genuinely life-impacting, like depression, brain fog and loss of libido. And they can last for years!
“If men knew more about perimenopause symptoms, they would take their partners or spouses on more vacations to ease the stress, [engage in] more foreplay to help a lower libido and encourage less binge drinking on weekends to help us sleep better,” says Deborah Knight, a patient advocate at Sinai Health’s Weston and O’Born Centre for Mature Women’s Health and author of the forthcoming Menopause Speaks. “Seriously though, men and women need to talk about this stuff and understand that 50 percent of the population will go through perimenopause and experience a multitude of symptoms as young as 40.”
She points out that the average age of menopause is 52, and “after that point, many women still deal with significant symptoms that can impact their day-to-day life.”
@steven Lets talk about MENOPAUSE 👀😮💨 #womenshealth#menopause#menopauseawareness#healthyliving♬ original sound – The Diary Of A CEO
Symptoms can extend well beyond the well-reported hot flashes and changing periods, says Janet Ko, president and co-founder of The Menopause Foundation of Canada. “Men need to understand that menopause can involve more than 30 symptoms,” she says, adding that this is a profound health transition. “Men don’t understand this because, like all of us, they’ve been led to think this is just about the end of someone’s childbearing years. And it’s so much more than that.”
How to navigate her mood
Sometimes she’s in a bad mood because she’s been listening to Lily Allen’s “West End Girl”. But other times, it’s because of the hormonal havoc she’s navigating.
“This is purely physiology, not personality,” says Dr. Juliana Poli, a fellow in mature women’s health and menopause at Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto. “Hormonal fluctuations can cause irritability, low mood, anxiety. When you add to that life stressors and a busy routine, even the calmest woman can feel on the edge.”
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Beyond hot flashes, Dr. Michelle Jacobson, a Toronto OB-GYN and co-founder of Coven Women’s Health, which supports women through perimenopause, menopause and cancer survivorship, says women complain to her the most about poor sleep, mood, focus and body image due to weight gain or signs of aging. “None of these things are positive for a relationship,” she adds. “If you’re not sleeping—because you’re anxious, you’re having night sweats, you’re sleep-disrupted—you’re not going to be in the best mood the next day or be the most positive, supportive partner. Your partner is going to irritate you more because you’re more irritable. He’s just being normal.”
If you’re confused by what’s happening, trust that your female partner is 10 times more bewildered. “I didn’t even know what was going on,” says Green, who recently made a documentary about her experience called Menopause: Coming in Hot. “I thought I needed antidepressants. I thought I was losing my mind. Most women don’t even realize that it’s happening to them until they’re well into it.” Green only twigged when she watched the “Is it perimenopause?” episode on the TV show Baroness Von Sketch.
How to approach sex and intimacy
Fear not, fellas: your wife probably doesn’t suddenly find you repulsive or fantasize about trading you in for a younger model. (Even if she did follow five Glen Powell fan accounts last week).
Dr. Jacobson, who’s in perimenopause herself, says that one of the top concerns she hears from women is that “they want to want to have sex more.” It’s not that women are no longer attracted to their man, she continues, but that they’re “chasing the way that they felt in the past when they had more spontaneous desire.”
“A woman’s desire is not reflected by how moist or lubricated she gets as a response to sexual activity,” says Dr. Jacobson. “Her responsiveness and desire will change as she goes through menopause in a way that is biologically appropriate.”
Understand the profound changes happening to a woman’s body. “You are not ovulating anymore. You are not biologically trying to get pregnant. Your brain has lost that signal to tell your body to want to have sex,” she says. “Once that’s gone, the way you have to become desire-full is going to become more intentional.”
@husbands4menopause A lack of sex drive is a common symptom for women in menopause. But husbands that choose to blame their wives for a lack of intimacy that is out of their control, risk damaging their marriage. #menopause#husband#mom#women#men♬ original sound – husbands4menopause
Many symptoms of perimenopause and menopause have a direct impact on libido and sexual function. “If you’re getting a hot flash every time somebody touches you or you engage in physical activity, that’s going to impact your desire to have sex and enjoy it,” says Dr. Jacobson. “Same with if you have dryness in your vagina or pain with intercourse, and if you’re having changes around self-esteem.”
This change in libido can lead to a “mismatch in desire” between partners that requires compromise. “The example I use with patients is that sometimes I want Thai food and sometimes my husband wants steak. I don’t always get my way and he doesn’t always get his way,” she says. “No one says, ‘You’re forcing yourself to eat steak because that’s what your husband wanted.’ Sex is like that. Sometimes it’s going to be something you want to accomplish because you want to please your partner and sometimes it’s going to be because you’re craving pleasure and intimacy.”
“Get out the lube, for men and women,” says Knight. “Talk more. Sometimes intimacy will come in different situations than it used to.” And keep an open mind about what your sex life could look like, especially as your own body ages. “Men are experiencing their own set of ‘male menopause’ symptoms later in life with erectile dysfunction and other changes.”
How to support her
Be patient, suggests Green. “And know when to clear the room,” she jokes. “I know men are creatures of action, but maybe this is the time where you just hold space. Just be there and don’t try to fix the problem—because you won’t.” Just listen. “This is a journey that women need to go on. It’s part of the process of what I like to call ‘levelling up.’ Just be a shoulder to cry on and let her go through it.”
But don’t be shy with your compliments. “Women are so hard on themselves. We’re always putting ourselves down. I call it the Itty Bitty Sh*tty Committee,” says Green. “It’s constantly talking to us all day long about how fat we are, how wrinkly we are. Just tell us we’re beautiful. You might have to say it a thousand times, but just give us reassurance that we’re still attractive.”
@drmaryclaire @headsandtailspodcast and @DrKateWhiteOBGYN break it down. #menopause#perimenopause#thenewmenopause#drmaryclaire#womenshealth♬ original sound – The ‘Pause Life
Dr. Jacobson would love to see men educate themselves about this topic and, where appropriate, encourage their female partners to seek the treatment they need to live their best lives. Dr. Poli encourages empathy. “What women often need most is understanding—not fixing,” she says. “Relationships can actually get stronger if men approach this time with curiosity and kindness instead of confusion or withdrawal.”
Knowledge is power for everyone, says Ko. “This is a time when men and women can actually come together. Men are also going through their own midlife changes. They have thinning hair, they’re getting a little bigger around the middle, some of them are getting up at night dealing with prostate issues.” Both genders experience a “midlife dip,” she says. “It’s a really good opportunity for partners who are at the same stage of life to have more open conversations, get curious about each other and support one another.”